Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.