Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue