Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
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Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul