Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
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5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
*mops up wine with cat*
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.