hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Bike is short for Bichael.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber