Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pasta is now

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.

Dump her and find one with some money

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”