Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?