I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
Anyone want a chair?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself