Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.