I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
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The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
not seeing the problem
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
handsome & gretel
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.