Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.