“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
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Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!