“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
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Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.