Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”