@LlamaInaTux

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

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@lmegordon

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

@WildeThingy

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

@stevevsninjas

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

@abbycohenwl

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

@AristotlesNZ

Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

@lisaxy424

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

@addy_maybe

if i ever got a tattoo it would be something meaningful in Chinese but deliberately misspelled to say, like, may all your trees be cantaloupes, so smug smart people would sneer at me but i’d privately be judging THEM for being pompous jerks guess how many friends i have

@JennyJohnsonHi5

No matter how adorable you think your young son is, it’s best you not refer to him as a “lady killer”, it might end up being true.

@TheHyyyype

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that