I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
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Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.