I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
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*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.