I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
You Might Also Like
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
two people or more is called a problem
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.