I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
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Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I have never related to anyone more.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”