i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
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Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
#SuperBowl
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?