Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”