Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

still the best tweet of the year by far

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.

If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.

Like, if you agree.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.