Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

Guy: I like you.

Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*

X-tra spooky blend

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.