I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
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my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you