I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
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i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I can fix him.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
No Google it does not
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
i think both sides are to blame here
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music