Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.