Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
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wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe