I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I know a bad idea when I see one.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Alexa: *deep breath*
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.