I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
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Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
You better watch out
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.