Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.