I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
finally found a reasonable question
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?