Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”