I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
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Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.