I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
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Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.