I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I falcon love using swear birds
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable