I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Incredible customer service.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
you’re not fooling anyone
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.