Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.