Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

I’d rather fork than spoon.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.