I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
What is going on? 😅
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.