Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

When your man makes a valid point

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.