I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
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When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
went fishing caught a bass
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life