@aissalanis

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

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@ericsshadow

1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.

@NurseSeymour

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

@marebytes

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that’s what’s been missing.

@dubstep4dads

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

@dixinormus10

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

@faulkingway

(Starbucks drive thru) Me: I’d like to pay-it-forward for the car behind me.
Barista: That will be $30
Me: How much for the car behind him?

@Jake_Vig

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

@heytherejeffro

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

@__candypants

If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.