I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Actually cracking up @ this
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
who wore it better?
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me: