I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
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My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Lucky old June.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Them: You shouldn’t hang around the wrong people..
Me: First of all I am the bad influence
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here