I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
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Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
*praying for world peace*
God:
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”