Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

Still cracks me up

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

#dalle2

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house