Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

That’s no pocket rocket.

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope