Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

The pen is writier than the sword.

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

*swipes right on my hand mirror