I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
You Might Also Like
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.