I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*