I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
San Francisco has too many rules
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.