I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.
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For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Warm pools make me nervous.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.