I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
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The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny