I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
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“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
There’s never enough good news
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*