Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

#oldknees

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

The human personality is made of five key elements

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.