I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
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Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
what do you want!!!!!!!!
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?