I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
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My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
💀🤣
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
hackers play passwordle