I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
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When your diet is finally over.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Cop lights are so pretty at night
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves