Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

Donkey Kong sommelier

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Someone just threatened to call me later

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours