I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
