I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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Terribly Tuesday.
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Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
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Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?