I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.