I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
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I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
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ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.