Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS