Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

Cashiers are always checking me out

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x