Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

Lunatics are gonna loon.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

is this store having a stroke wtf

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.