I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
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“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!