Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Bear knowledge

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

channeling her this year

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?