Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

I’m not alone. I have ants.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

😬