I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
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Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
crazy
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?