Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.