Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

I drew y’all a little something.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.