Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.