I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
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The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.