I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
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Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
NASA has no chill
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
*jazz hands*
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you